Yes, really. So far, we haven’t been able to find out what exactly IS the right height for a tree. We do know that when in Iowa, Romney loves corn, and that he has a huge soft spot for cactuses whenever he is in Arizona. Sigh.

It actually made us think of one classic scene in Anchorman. Luckily enough, someone on the Youtubes had the same thought:

New York Times columnist Gail Collins narrows down the options for Republican primary voters in typical fashion.

The debate was relatively low on decent one-liners, although Mitt Romney did score early kudos by quoting George Costanza. However, the best line of the night was for Ron Paul, who had the best answer possible when asked by moderator John King why he was running a televised advertisement calling Rick Santorum a fake:

An interesting discussion focused on bail-outs and how the different candidates voted on them. Rick Santorum was very brave in saying that he opposed the bail-out of General Motors on principle, even though John King pointed out to him that the debate was probably watched by many voters in America’s auto state, Michigan. However, Rick proved himself to be quite the hypocrite by lamenting the large amount of teen pregnancies, but simultaneously opposing free access to birth control.

Besides being the most relevant for us Europeans, the discussions on foreign policy are always a hoot because they so painfully reveal the lack of knowledge and simplistic views of the candidates. Seriously, you could be mistaking for thinking the whole world is one big comic book. Newt Gingrich scolded the top general of the US army for saying that attacking Iran right now would be destabilizing and wondered “why on earth he would say that”. After all, Newt pointed out, Ahmadinejad denies the Holocaust and says he wants to wipe Israel of the map. “I usually believe dictators,” Newt added. Probably we shouldn’t be surprised that Newt is so susceptible to hollow rhetoric, since he uses nothing else himself in politics.

Rick Santorum thrashed Barack Obama for not supporting the Iranian opposition enough, but then added that this was strange because Obama did support the Egyptian opposition in “standing up against a friend of ours”. We’re not sure whether it’s smart, but if Rick Santorum really wants to portray himself as Mubarak’s best buddy, so be it. Meanwhile, Mitt Romney forgot to put on his aluminum hat when describing the real threat of Iran to the US: “Iran can give nuclear material to Hizbullah and Hamas, who can then bring it to Latin America and then bring it over to the border and then set off dirty bombs here in the country.” Hell, even Fox Mulder would say that’s a bit out there.

The only one that actually did make sense in this whole section was Ron Paul, who pondered whether fiery rhetoric like uttered by his rivals doesn’t actually encourage Iran to have nukes because they feel threatened. Naturally, such sensible words were not welcomed by the bloodthirsty Arizona public:

So, what did we learn? As we said in the intro, not much. Santorum basically ignored Paul and Gingrich and focused fully on Romney, who is of course his main target (aside from Obama). CNN’s political analysts claim that Romney was the significant winner of the debate (see video below), and while we won’t necessarily disagree, we feel that there wasn’t such a clear winner. All candidates were in okay form, nobody was more stupid or ignorant than usual: it was just a bit of a tame evening in Arizona.

Initially we were thinking of going back a few years to highlight a few of Rick’s statements during his tenure as Senator for Pennsylvania (for instance when he tried to make criticizing Israel punishable), but really, we don’t have to go back that far. Actually, just focusing on the last few days gives us plenty of indication about Rick’s mental health. For instance, Santorum claimed this weekend that Barack Obama hates disabled people and tries to have them aborted prematurely. According to Santorum, the proof for this is that under Obama’s new healthcare law, insurers are required to offer women free prenatal tests. Naturally, Obama’s aim is not to give parents more options to anticipate on potential health issues with their little one, but to push abortions to record highs and clear the country of disabled people.

Basically, the only thing missing is Santorum comparing Obama to the Nazi’s… oh, wait:

But Rick wasn’t done yet. Hell no, he was just getting warmed up. So yesterday Santorum issued the mindboggling statement that Democrats are “anti-science” because they take global warming seriously. Mind you, this comes from a man who dismisses the evolution theory and prefers to believe Earth was created in seven days. So how does this work? Well, in Santorum’s twisted mind, conservative Republicans are “the ones ones who stand for science, and technology, and using the resources we have”. So, remember: worrying about exhausting our planet’s natural resources is bad and unscientific, while not giving a damn and just use up what we have is good and scientific.

And once again Santorum wasn’t done. Elaborating on the anti-science nonsense, Rick argued that by taking global warming seriously, Obama is not a good Christian and believes in “a phony theology, not a theology based on the bible”. Of course, Santorum’s Christianity is the only right one: “The belief that man should be in charge of the Earth and should have dominion over it and should be good stewards of it.” The full clip (watch how Santorum puts carbon dioxide between quotes, as if Obama made it up):

We don’t know about you, but we feel Santorum scores big on the Insanity Meter.

(Shamelessly borrowed from http://edwardcheever.wordpress.com)

Theodore 'Teddy' Roosevelt

We at the SYWBANP election center think this guy is pretty hard to beat, mainly because he is the name-giver of Teddy bears. That’s right, Theodore’s nickname was Teddy and that is what these fluffy children’s toys are named after. Oh yeah, he was also the first American to win the Nobel Peace Prize, but whatever… Teddy bears!!!

What was also a special feature of Theodore Roosevelt? He was an American President with a mustache. Which made us wonder: ‘Would candidates in the Republican field look better with facial handlebars?’ Let’s not waste one more second and see how they fared after the Special SYWBANP Moustachio Makeover:

Newt Gingrich is actually improved by something that blocks his features. We are rooting for a matching beard and sideburns. More facial hair for Newt!

Hello, is this mustache making Ron Paul looking somewhat... friendly?!?! Maybe his wife should get one too.

Work it Rick Perry, you know you're worth it.

Huh, imagine that. A mustache did what no sweater vest could ever hope to achieve: Make Rick Santorum look even more creepy.

Right... I think we're just going to stay away from this one.

All in all, we think that, with the exception of Mitt Romney, the Republican party should definitely investigate more facial hair options. Some people really look better with a nice fuzzy upper lip. Ann Romney on the other hand, should always make sure there are enough razors in her cart on her weekly shopping trip to the local Piggly Wiggly. ALWAYS.

Meanwhile, Rick Santorum (above) is having one hell of a ride since he scored a hattrick by winning Missouri, Colorado and Minnesota. Because of this new-found momentum Rick is surging in the polls and some of these actually show him as the frontrunner in the Republican race. Naturally, Obama can’t believe his luck, because if he would actually have to run against Santorum instead of Romney, we could just as well skip the whole general election and just hand Obama his second term like that. Obama’s campaign team would probably sign with their blood if they could ensure, right now, a race against a poorly funded Christian fundamentalist instead of fighting against a relatively sensible and very rich Mitt Romney.

But let’s not ruin the fun just yet. This week, Santorum received one of the most remarkable endorsements he’ll ever get. Dave Mustaine (left), frontman of thrash metal band Megadeth, confessed in an interview that he quite likes Santorum and that he will support him for President. As The Atlantic points out, it is somewhat ironic that a man writing songs about killing people supports the most pro-life candidate of all, and we’re not sure if Mustaine’s groupie policy would pass Santorum’s standards on sex. Still, both Mustaine and Santorum really, really, really hate Muslims and the United Nations, so in a way they are a match made in, erm, heaven/hell (you choose, Dave).

With all that out of the way, we are taking a little break here at SYWBANP. Don’t worry, we will be back by dope demand next week, but the editorial team here has a busy weekend coming up, so we’ll be off the radar for a few days. We’re safe to do so anyway, because not much will happen in the next few days. Campaigning will continue, and there is a CNN debate planned for next Wednesday in Arizona, which we will of course cover for you. But the next primaries aren’t until the 28th (Arizona and Michigan), so again, we’re safe. Until next week then, and as Rick Santorum would say: keep it special!

Three of the four Republican hopefuls appeared at CPAC and addressed the audience (Ron Paul was invited, but declined). We sorta skipped Newt Gingrich (yaaaaawn), but if you’re really a Newt-sucker, here is his speech. Mitt Romney put in a solid performance and was mostly trying to convince the audience that he is really a conservative, which is a tough cookie for him given some of his past positions. But as said, he appeared statesman-like and Romney did win the so-called straw poll among the CPAC audience, which was a much-needed boost for his campaign (although Politico claims that the Romney campaign bought as much tickets as possible for Romney-supporters in order to increase their chances). His main adversary these days, Rick Santorum, acted like the every inch a family man he wants to portray and brought his wife and children with him on stage. He even made jokes about The Sound Of Music. Which is of course hi-la-ri-ous:

More potentially interesting was the fact that CPAC also played host to some golden oldies of the conservative movement. The most notable guest was Sarah Palin, the woman who would have been one heartbeat away from the Presidency if John McCain had gotten his way. Palin spoke for almost 45 minutes, and yes, we watched the full speech so you don’t have too. We do wonder why this was called a speech though, because really, all that Palin did was delivering a typical Palin rant with the familiar headache-inducing, shrieking voice turned up a notch. It was incoherent, it was cheap, it was hollow, it lacked vision: in short, typical of the state of the conservative Republican movement anno 2012. The most-quoted part was Palin’s admission that she “isn’t convinced” of Romney’s conservatism, but that’s hardly news, is it?

Another section of the weekend’s programme that made some headlines was a panel debate in which Cal Thomas, a conservative columnist, made quite an ass of himself. Thomas, whose claim to fame is comparing the abortion policy of the Netherlands to Nazi Germany killing Jews, said that Rachel Maddow, a liberal tv host at MSNBC, was “the best argument in favor of contraception” after the audience was shown a clip in which Maddow defended the right to contraception. It’s hardly earth-shattering, but it’s another reminder of the twisted logic and low standards popular among Republican conservatives:

So yeah, there you have it. A conservative lovefest which had its biggest attraction in Sarah Palin. Finally, if you feel that you need to sniff up some more CPAC atmosphere, we can highly recommend this behind-the-scenes article in The Atlantic. Makes for wonderful reading, and you get some lovely quotes as a bonus:

“Obama made me feel so…” She paused, searching for the right word. “I instantly knew that he hated America. Repulsive.”

Rick Santorum fuels the debate on Mitt Romney’s alleged nervousness about Santorum’s strong performance in the last few primaries.

In 2009, he gave up his seat in Congress to run for governor of Colorado, but failed. Since then, he has been writing a conservative blog and has appeared on several national cable channels in the US as the Conservative nutbag of the week. Most memorable is his appearance on Fox News two years ago, in which he tried to convince conservative airhead and Fox anchor Megyn Kelly that Barack Obama is a bigger threat to the US than Al Qaeda. Again, Kelly is not known for her brightness, but even for her, that was a step too far:

Anyway, that was back then. We hear you think: why does all this matter? Apart from the amusement factor (that’s how we are, we like to entertain), Tancredo has now also jumped into the 2012 campaign. He is a vocal supporter of Rick Santorum (no, we’re not surprised either), but he defends every Republican, really. Earlier this week he appeared on MSNBC to explain to anchorman Chris Matthews why his dog would be better at running the US economy than Barack Obama. Yes, you read that right. Here’s the video for you to enjoy:

Conservative businessman Foster Friess, a major financial backer of the Santorum campaign, explains there are some risks involved with his support.