Newt Gingrich will not be Barack Obama’s opponent, we all know that. Actually, he is now working for Mitt Romney’s campaign, to help him beat Obama. So when Newt agrees to be interviewed by MSNBC’s Chris “HAH!” Matthews, surely he will sing Mitt’s praises? Well, almost.
Matthews: “So did Romney tell the truth about you?”
Gingrich: “No. But he did what he had to do.”
So while Newt Gingrich is campaigning in favor of Romney, he tag-teams with Chris Matthews to complete obliterate Romney’s credibility while keeping up his impeccable “I am a choir boy” smirk. Nice. And there was some desert as well, as Matthews discussed Gingrich’s love for animals:
As for Mitt Romney: with friends like Newt Gingrich, you don’t need enemies.
Yeah, we know. It’s boring at the moment. Really, nothing is happening in the presidential race. It’s like watching static. The polls usually create some excitement, but those, too, have been fairly uneventful. Romney and Obama are still very close to each other when you look at the average scores and dismiss the results of biased pollsters like NBC/New York Times (Democrat) and Rasmussen (Republican). And we have to wait until August before the conventions take place.
So, what do we do in the meantime? Well, it’s clear from our traffic stats that our readers are still very much interested in the story of Seamus, Mitt Romney’s family dog. So you can always re-read that story here. Also, we are quite sure that Mitt Romney is busily looking at who to choose as his running mate. Many names have passed in the press in recent weeks, but this might be a good moment to revisit our shortlist of likely running mates (our favorite is still Nikki Haley,South Carolina’s governor).
Rick Santorum is mostly focusing on getting rid of his debts these days. After all, running for a president is worse for your wallet than having a shopaholic wife and seven children, and Rick reportedly has about one million dollars in debt, which is not too shabby when comparing it with other failed presidential campaigns of the past. So don’t worry: Rick Santorum won’t have to sell off his house and his dogs and start living in an Obamaville under a highway fly-over. Rather, he’ll just go back to being a family man again (the little girl on the picture is his daughter Bella, not some random kid he got pushed into his hands by a campaign volunteer in Backwater, Nebraska).
You might wonder: how are Ron Paul and Newt Gingrich doing, since they haven’t dropped out officially yet? To start with Newt: he is anxiously trying to get the endorsement of Rick Santorum, but so far Rick remains fully uncommitted (he has also declined to back Romney). Another issue for Newt is that he is now under fire for still having Secret Service protection because of his presidential campaign. An anti-tax group is now saying that Newt should quit: he stands no chance, so why should American tax payers still pay for Newt’s protection? Not very good PR for a self-named fiscal conservative. Also, he was bitten by a penguin (REALLY!):
But if you think that Newt is having a somewhat rought time, consider Ron Paul’s latest stunt to get elected: his supporters are developing a video game based on Super Mario. We’re not kidding:
We must be honest: we were panicking a bit earlier this week. As Rick Santorum made his shock announcement that he would drop out of the Republican race, we quickly realised that this was the end of that same Republican race, since Newt Gingrich and Ron Paul have been dead man walking for weeks (if not months) already. No more Rocking The Vest, no more Game On, no more Obamaville. So many different thoughts scrambled around in our heads. What are we supposed to write about now until the party conventions this summer? Do we have to start taking Mitt Romney serious now? Why does Newt Gingrich look like Mr. Potatohead? And so on.
But thank God, we haven’t been left completely bereft of entertainment. After all, even though Mitt Romney might now be focusing fully on Barack Obama, that doesn’t mean that the Mittster has all of a sudden become a communications wonder. Nope, Mitt is still out there making an ass out of himself. Our favorite episode of the past week was when Mitt Romney accused Obama of waging a “war on women”. Mitt has a lot of smart people in his team, and some of those smart people are very smart statistic readers and they found out that of all the people who lost their jobs in the recession, 92 percent were women. And since Barack Obama fired every single one of them personally (right, Mitt?), that means a war on women in Romney’s overdramatic vocabulary. Watch:
So, it seems like Mitt might be on to something here. Or? Look closer, as The Atlantic has done, and it turns out that of those 92 percent women that lost their jobs, 64 percent were working for the government. And where did government jobs predominantly disappear? That’s right, in states run by Republican governors (Rick Perry’s Texas alone was responsible for a third of all job cuts). So the real axe was wielded by Republicans, and not by Obama. Eat that, Romney. Besides, what Romney can do, liberals can do better. With a bit of spin and editing, all of a sudden Romney is the one waging war on women, as this ad from Renew America shows:
Not that Team Obama is leaving stones unturned though. The other day, they released this two-minute video with the sarcastic title “Mitt Romney: Memories To Last A Lifetime.” The video does contain some of Mitt’s women-unfriendly statements, but seems mostly inspired by the famous Etch-a-sketch comment by one of Romney’s PR advisers: once the Republican nomination race is over, Romney’s plan is to drop his overly conservative viewpoints and move towards the centre of the political spectrum again. Team Obama is intent on making sure that Romney can’t do that, by reminding everyone of the statements he made over the past few months.
Who: First Lady Michelle Obama & Country “Singer” Taylor Swift Where: Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards When: Right after MiMi gives TayTay an award for charity work Why: It’s election time. God only knows why people do the things they do and go to the places they go. Photographic evidence: MiBama inner monologue:What the crack am I doing here. I know I am doing all this shiz to prevent teens from getting fat, but this? The Kids’ Choice Awards? What did I do to deserve this??? Ann Romney should be here. She has more kids than I do. And it’s not like these teens are anywhere near voting ready. This is so fucking pointless..
TaySwi: Oh hello, Condaleeza Rice, it’s so nice to meet you! MiBama: Actually, it’s Michelle Obama.
TaySwi: Are you sure? MiBama: Yes, it’s me. Maybe those hideous bangs of yours are hindering your eyesight. But it’s me. TaySwi: I would imagine Michelle Obama wearing something a little bit more feminine. MiBama: Well, I am pretty sure it’s me. Michelle Obama. Mobama. The big M. The FIRST lady. TaySwi: Oke, whatevs. Sooooo… what is going on… here? MiBama: What are you talking about Taylor? TaySwi: I am talking about this jacket. What is going on with it? Did Sasha and Malia staple it together as an art project? MiBama: That’s rich coming from a girl whose dress mainly consists of strands of toilet paper wound round her non-existent boobs. TaySwi: Are you sure you’re not Condi? You’re being very mean and Klingon-y-like. Are those silver spray painted skinny jeans too tight on you? MiBama: Girl, are you calling me fat? TaySwi: I don’t mean to be rude, but those jeans look awfully snug. Maybe one size up would have been better. MiBama: Been better? Been better? I’ll tell you what would be better. It would be better if I just take back this award shaped like a silver zeppelin an stick it were the sun does not shine, then call Rick Santorum and tell him that you are pregnant by Newt Gingrich, but are planning an abortion, tell Rick Perry that you have stolen his favorite pair of silver slippers and tell Mitt Romney that it was YOU who leaked that story about Seamus the dog. THAT would be better you snooty little girl!
NoooooooooooOOOOO!!!! Rick Santorum has just announced that he is throwing in the towel sweater vest. Santorum has suspended his campaign for the Republican presidential nomination.
Goddamn it. Do you know what this means??? A very very very boring summer. Newt Gingrich has basically already quit, but just hasn’t told anybody. And Ron Paul, well who are we kidding. Paul has been toast for months. The Republican party is losing crazies faster than young slutty women are having abortions. Whatever will we write about? Whatever will we do? A better question yet, what EVER will the Harris sisters do? Santorum was THEIR MAN!
At least Hitler can be happy. No more plans for glitter bombs.
Also in the happy department: gays, everyone with a uterus, people who face discrimination, people without health insurance, people who enjoy to live their lives before having children and thus needing birth control, everybody employed by Durex, Mitt Romney, people with brains…
In the sad department? People making sweater vests. It is a goddamn sad day for sweater vests.
